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“Help me if you can, I'm feeling down  And I do appreciate you being round Help me get my feet back on the ground Won't you please, please help me” The Beatles (click here for the song) Photo by  nikko macaspac  on  Unsplash Ask Google “how to ask for help” and there is a plethora of blog posts on the topic.  If you need to, read Adam Grants book Give and Take and you will be convinced to help others. Now more than ever it is essential that we ask for help to be successful. The nature of the modern workplace and structure of  work requires collaboration, delegation and connectivity  for ideas, creativity and advice. Yet people are reluctant to ask for help, especially in the workplace. Or they wait  until they are really “feeling down” before making a tiny request for help. Why are people reluctant to ask for help? They may be seen as incompetent. i.e. That they don’t know how to do their job.This is actually ironic because if a request is well structured and intelligent you are judged as  smart. They will be seen as lazy. This is a common excuse that prevents many of my clients delegating. However, what they are failing to see is that when done appropriately, delegating tasks to others enables those staff to grow personally and professionally and actually elevates you as a leader. They don’t know anyone who can actually help them. We forget that often people can help by an introduction not a direct solution.   A fear of rejection perhaps because they have previously experienced rejection. This is an interesting one, sometimes people reject us because of timing or because they actually can’t help. However, Daniel Newark when researching helping habits, found that most people, even those who have turned you down before, are more willing to lend a hand than you'd think. In addition the assistance they give is often of much better quality than you'd expect. The mindset that by the time we have asked for help we could have done it ourselves. Studies also suggest that we underestimate how much effort those who do agree to help want to put in. The mindset that it should be obvious help is needed and there is no need to ask. As Heidi Grant, aptly explained in her ted talk,  “we all suffer from the illusion of transparency, - the mistaken belief that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs are really obvious to other people” . How do we ask for help? 1. Take the time to prepare so that you can be very specific about: What it is you need help with, Why it matters and When you need the help 2. Be confident and don’t apologise 3. Do it in person 4. Follow up, take the time to tell the person how it went, thank them for their advice etc. On an Organisational or group level you can run a formalised group activity based on the principles of generalised reciprocity. ie you help me and I’ll help someone else.  Some organisations regularly use, reciprocity rings, stand ups or the givitas software to normalise asking for help. (Please contact me for more information and ideas) How do I convince people to bother?  According to researcher Wayne Baker, it is one of those situations where, over time the results will speak for themselves. He recommends that you ask your group to behave differently, for about 45 days  and then see and see if and how its working for them.   Typically when people ask for help they will see the following benefits:  On a Business level, the team will be more productive and creative. On an individual level they will find that:  they have saved time at work, their work is more enjoyable and satisfying  and these positive emotions spill over into their life they feel less stressed and overloaded, thereby freeing up energy for other things. So don’t wait till you are literately or figuratively drowning, take the time to prepare and ask for help. ----------------------------------- References:  https://www.heidigrantphd.com/ https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C5CHFA_enAU860AU860&ei=PXI7XrOVDcXcz7sP79264AM&q=the+beatles+help+lyrics&oq=beetles+song+help+&gs_l=psy-ab.1.1.0i71l8.5172.5172..6213...0.2..0.0.0.......0....1..gws-wiz.uEm3z7H1CKg https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/in-practice/201610/7-effective-ways-ask-help-and-get-it Work and Life with Stew Friedman Episode 155. Wayne Baker: All You Have to Do Is Ask January 22, 2020 https://www.theverge.com/2018/6/22/17475134/heidi-grant-reinforcements-help-social-psychology https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-healing-crowd/201308/what-is-the-reciprocity-ring https://www.ted.com/talks/heidi_grant_how_to_ask_for_help_and_get_a_yes/transcript?language=en Need Someone's Help? Ask the Person Who Just Turned You Down Newark, Daniel A . Harvard Business Review ; Boston  Vol. 91, Iss. 12,   (Dec 2013): 34-35. How to Get the Help You Need  Heidi Grant Harvard Business Reviews From the May–June 2018 Issue https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/insights/researchers-if-you-want-favor-ask-ask-again If You Want a Favor, Ask and Ask Again Why the people you least expect to help you are the ones you should approach. September 19, 2013, by Marina Krakovsky, Insights by Stanford business

“There are many things that I love about my job. Working with him is certainly not one of them.” (Consultant) Photo by  Nahel Abdul Hadi  on  Unsplash Much of the conversation around remote work has focused on the practical, motivational and wellbeing perspective. A google search will provide many tips (some evidence based some not) to enhance your skills as a leader in these unusual times. However, it’s the incivility and inappropriate behaviour that may be going on unchecked that has begun to concern me.   Regular readers will know that the conditions under which the dark side of our personalities emerge it is when we are tired stressed or bored. These three conditions are prevalent now more than ever, they definitely occur in remote working environments and when you add the complexity of the stress of a pandemic it is not surprising that inappropriate behaviour may be on the rise. Let’s start with a definition: What is incivility?   Christine Porath who has researched extensively in this area points out that the complexity of incivility is that it is in the eye of the beholder. What may seem uncivil to one person may be fine to another.   Some common behaviours may include: Disrespect or rudeness Belittling Texting in meetings Eye rolling Mocking Intentionally withholding information Excluding people- eg make a meeting at a time you know sally can’t come Let’s think about Friday drinks - great for young singles but maybe not for families.  Too much credit for collaborative work Pass the blame when contributed to mistakes Keep people waiting needlessly Communicating via Email instead of zoom Christine Porath has designed a free on line scale that anyone can use to measure their level of incivility. It is quick and produces a report with practical tips.  I recommend you take it and see what you think.  http://www.christineporath.com/assess-yourself/ What are some common signs that there is incivility?     Regular readers would be familiar with workplace emotional and behavioural response to workplace incivility.  People who experienced incivility typically have more anger, fear, and sadness, they can be aggressive both directly and indirectly, and, have increasing levels of absenteeism. In the current environment it’s not particularly helpful for me to tell you if your staff are angry sad or afraid, are being aggressive or absent then you have an issue with incivility in your team. Often, we have to see what's not there: Look for sudden changes in behaviour or diminished quality of work. Are you hearing a lot of complaints and general snarkiness about people but nothing from that person themselves? Can people become more civil ? "Every encounter is a chance to increase the civility in our world" Stew Friedman Because we all have blind spots, the unintentional things we do that rub people  up the wrong way, to change our behaviour remember we need both information and motivation. Christine Porath found in her research that  60% of people who are uncivil say they are overwhelmed or stressed, or said that they don’t feel they have time to be nice. Fortunately only 4%  reported that they are uncivil because they enjoy it and can get away with it. This category most likely need the expertise of my dear colleagues the clinical psychologists.   Why is it advantageous to be civil? If people view you as more civil: They are twice as likely to see you as a leader You will perform up to 13% better because people will seek information from you and share information People will like working with you Finally you will be perceived as both warm and competent.  (I hope most readers don't need a reminder as to why they should be polite)  Is working remotely potentially more conducive to inappropriate behaviour? "Incivility at work colors people's lives at work and at home. We become carriers. Whatever we pick up in the workplace, we take with us." Christine Porath Social psychologists have researched extensively on why we may behave differently in the public and private space. The tendency to present a positive self-image to others, with the goal of increasing our social status , is known as  self-presentation , and it is a basic and natural part of everyday life. Because it is so important to be seen as competent and productive members of society, people naturally attempt to present themselves to others in a positive light. We attempt to convince others that we are good and worthy people by appearing attractive, strong, intelligent, and likeable and by saying positive things to others. In the workplace people are therefore more motivated to engage in impression management when interacting with high-status, powerful people, given the chances of valued outcomes and resources from such people.   It could be argued therefore that incivility is often kept in check at work by the forces of self presentation or impression management. An HR manager explained to me once, that my client’s inappropriate behaviour had reduced in its intensity and volume when they moved to open plan offices, however they were aware that he still had greater improvements to make. So what do you do? Exemplify good manners, be careful to always be polite and inclusive, just as the incivility is contagious so is the alternative. Remember its the little things that add up, like  Smiling, Listening – with curiosity, interest and full attention, and Acknowledging people . Set some rules around civil behaviour, because boundaries engender respect, remind your team what acceptable behaviour is, eg no side chats during meetings. Remind them of the pitfalls of on line chats, and the advantages  of ‘in person’ communication Follow up the anomalies: Have people stopped contributing on calls? Especially when one team member is present. Keep a close eye on those in your team who occasionally behave in a manner that is close to the line of incivility in the office who may potentially have this behaviour exacerbated in the current climate. Some optimistic findings:  Conservation of resources (COR) theory suggests that individuals deal with negative stressors—like de-energizing relationships—when they have resources to help them buffer the stressor.  In a study of Destructive De-energizing relationships amongst management consultants, the researchers found that individuals who  were thriving at work were less susceptible to the effects of de-energizing relationships on job performance. These thriving individuals have their own store of energy to counteract the de-energizing relationships. This does not mean you can ignore the incivility. What should you do if you are concerned:  Meet with HR: Understand clearly company policies, procedures and your roles and responsibilities. How much privacy you can bring to conversations? What behaviour is considered crossing the line etc and what you need to do if you are aware of this etc. Make time for calm private chats to all the people who may be involved: Turn up your emotional intelligence and curiosity skills.   Suspend judgement until you have facts, enter the conversation by giving the person the benefit of the doubt, this will enable them to open up so that you can try to find out what is going on from their perspective. While nothing justifies inappropriate behaviour, understanding the context will help you work out an effective approach to resolution. Then go back to HR manager and consult with them, discuss what needs to be done so that all employees feel psychologically safe.  Remember in the majority of cases people are not behaving inappropriately because they are inherently evil.  Sometimes applying the principles of Radical candour, giving honest feedback on how their behaviour is being perceived and then supporting them in modifying their actions can be sufficient. Please remember, that: Incivility needs to be addressed because it’s inappropriate, and can escalate if left unchecked, we all deserve to be treated with respect. The workplace  lawyer or  HR expert, will help you navigate if the inappropriate behaviour has crossed the line and requires a stronger approach.  To be honest I found that blogging about incivility in remote working was rather unpleasant, but I was driven to complete and publish this blog as I believe that creating a psychologically safe and heathy workplace is more critical now than ever. ----------------------------------- References: Work and Life with Stew Friedman: 61. Christine Porath: Workplace Civility https://www.workandlifepodcast.com/blog/cp https://www.management-issues.com/connected/6794/silent-bullying-on-remote-teams/ Emotional and Behavioral Responses to Workplace Incivility and the Impact of Hierarchical Status Porath, Christine L ;  Pearson, Christine M . Journal of Applied Social Psychology ; Hoboken  Vol. 42,   (Dec 2012): E326-E357. file:///Users/tamarbalkin/Downloads/OrgDyn2000.pdf https://www.management-issues.com/connected/6794/silent-bullying-on-remote-teams/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-teen-doctor/201204/why-is-public-and-private-behavior-so-different https://www.hoganassessments.com/assessment/hogan-development-survey/ Impression management behavior: effects of the organizational system Drory, Amos ;  Zaidman, Nurit . Journal of Managerial Psychology ; Bradford  Vol. 22, Iss. 3,   (2007): 290-308 Self-Monitoring: Individual Differences in Orientations to the Social World Article  in  Journal of Personality · July 2006 DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-6494.2006.00387.x · Source: PubMed Destructive de-energizing relationships: How thriving buffers their effect on performance Gerbasi, Alexandra ;  Porath, Christine L ;  Parker, Andrew ;  Spreitzer, Gretchen ;  Cross, Rob . Journal of Applied Psychology ; Washington  Vol. 100, Iss. 5,   (Sep 2015): 1423. https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/8f45/94851a765a1150302693e94ea6903737c46d.pdf https://www.thesaturdaypaper.com.au/news/law-crime/2020/04/04/family-violence-increasing-during-covid-19-lockdown/15859188009641 http://www.balkincoaching.com.au/post/manners-maketh-the-man-and-the-woman https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-04-09/coronavirus-family-and-domestic-violence-fears-grow/12136652

For something different, this week I have recorded a short 40 second audio blog so click this link  or the picture and have a listen. Please click her e to read my past  blog on creativity.

Photo by Joao Tzanno on Unsplash Readers may be aware that this week I hosted a virtual lunch where we discussed Enhancing Leadership Capability and Wellbeing during uncertain times. I was asked ot record the session and decided I would share it with you all.   (sorry for  the little jump in the editing at the beginning, I cut out the part where everyone introduced themselves)   Since I am constantly telling you to take a   lunch break, please take time in the next few days to:   set a side about 45 minutes, grab a nutritious lunch, a large jug of water,  click this  link  to watch the webinar ( https://youtu.be/S5kXHUl40MU) sit back, relax and learn Don't forget to take some time to think about what you want to Start Stop and Continue  doing to enhance your wellbeing and leadership during times of uncertainty. Here are the  'show notes', that I referenced in the webinar. Relevant blogs  what is the secret to increasing motivation not another meeting I have no time for them does long term behavioural change have to be so difficult can reclaiming your lunch break-improve-your-wellbeing don't talk about feelings you will feel worse or better stop smell the roses and learn how to really experience leisure how can we all be more creative how do I gain a sense of control for myself and my team Practical Resources:  Relaxation techniques for The Third Space. Guided relaxation: sound cloud recordings  muscle breathing , imagery Weekly Prioritisation and Values worksheet A few on line exercise options:  Fit 1 https://fit1.com.au/fit1online/    Dave has been keeping me fit and strong for many years  Michael Gostelow michael@execperformance.com.au.  Michael specialises in personal training with senior executives.  Pop Sugar Fitness https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBINFWq52ShSgUFEoynfSwg . (my teenage daughter told me its fun)  I shall continue to blog on relevant topics.  Please do not hesitate to  email   suggestions and requests.  Extra reading/Watching:   “10 ways to have a better conversations”.   Celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation#t-636818 https://www.nytimes.com/video/magazine/100000002141184/are-you-a-giver-or-a-taker.html?action=click&contentCollection=magazine&module=embedded®ion=caption&pgtype=article https://giveandtakeinc.com/blog/culture/the-five-minute-favor/

Photo by  Pedro da Silva  on  Unsplash Oh, today I don't feel like doing anything I just wanna lay in my bed Don't feel like picking up my phone So leave a message at the tone 'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything Bruno Mars- The Lazy song.  Click here for a link to the youtube  A few weeks ago a client came to me with a the following question   “How can I motivate someone who seems to keep procrastinating ?" Of course he was justified in being concerned as there is much evidence to indicate that procrastination leads to elevated levels of anxiety, stress, feelings of hopelessness, depression, and poor physical health; the opposite patterns have been observed among non procrastinators. Chronic procrastinators tend to receive a lower salary, experience shorter spells of employment, having a tendency to be underemployed, have lower self-efficacy, and report higher levels of boredom.  Not to mention the potential impact on performance and productivity. In addition recent research has demonstrated  as expected, that that spending excessive time on personal activities while actually at work (such as reading trivial blogs, engaging in gossiping, and instant messaging, etc.) decreases the quality or the amount of the work done.  What is it ? Procrastination is  “to voluntarily delay an intended course of action despite expecting to be worse off for the delay” (Steel).  "Procrastination always goes in the same direction, away from the tedious and towards the pleasant and the effortless." (Ginestet).  Dr. Piers Steel, goes a step further and conceptualises procrastination  as a form of self-harm. Why does it happen? Psychologists have found that procrastination is way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond. So, to avoid the possible negative emotion we put off doing the task.  But as Dr. Fuschia Sirois explains, procrastination “is essentially irrational as it doesn’t make sense to do something you know is going to have negative consequences.” Some procrastinators delay a task because they’re not in the mood to do it and deceive themselves into thinking they  will  be later on. But we all know that when tomorrow comes you are in the  same emotional place as yesterday but with less time. To be honest, after reading this research one may think that all psychologists ever do is get their clients talk or write or think about feelings. In all seriousness, readers would be well aware of the multiple causes of negative emotions, pertaining to our lives and work at the moment. So what did my client do? He arranged a time to chat with the employee and began by empathising with her about the challenges of getting good work done under the current conditions. Then he asked an open question to ascertain  what  was going on for her. He told me he had to gently probe to see  what was keeping her  from staying on track and what he could put in place to make it easier for her. To my client's surprise his employee directly told him that she found the work extremely boring, really wanted a transfer, knew there were no openings and felt guilty that she was not grateful to have a job. My client reflected that there were changes he could make that could benefit both the employee and all of his team.  Here are some of the ideas he came up with to share with his team:  Reallocate some of the aspects of the work, to tip the balance slightly to give all his employees more of the type of work they enjoy and less of what they dislike  Collaboration on how to better craft jobs and responsibilities around individual and team  interests, abilities, goals, values and needs.   Challenge every team member to share with others their personal visual reminder of the purpose of their work. Identify the times of day that they felt the most and least motivated. Encourage them to experiment with work scheduling  and daily work timetables, to identify  effective habits and personal limits of concentration. Schedule  zoom sessions that were not meetings to enable employees to see others who are  also working. Implement a new information sharing protocol that required quick ‘face to face’ interaction when work was shared. As a group recognise the moments of achievement to increase the positive emotions connected to the tasks,   Explore avenues  to increase personal self-efficacy, accomplishment  and confidence. Pair the procrastinators with those on the verge of burnout via technology for a few periods during the day. "Your job as a leader is not to motivate directly but to find out what motivates  your staff and empower them to put factors in place" Adam Grant  Is it all bad?  Researchers identify two types of procrastinators: passive procrastinators versus active procrastinators. Passive procrastinators are procrastinators in the traditional sense. They are paralysed by their indecision to act and fail to complete tasks on time. In contrast, active procrastinators are a "positive" type of procrastinator. They prefer to work under pressure, and they make deliberate decisions to procrastinate. Although active procrastinators procrastinate to the same degree as passive procrastinators, they are more similar to non procrastinators than to passive procrastinators in terms of purposeful use of time, control of time, self-efficacy belief, coping styles, and outcomes including academic performance.  Finally, please be mindful of mental health of those around you and don't forget the R U OK check ins . It’s hard to know if Bruno Mars was singing about depression, or a  slight slump.  References Steel, P. (2007). The nature of procrastination: a meta-analytic and theoretical review of quintessential self regulatory failure. Psychological Bulletin. The unbearable lightness of procrastination Ginestet, Cedric. Psychologist; Leicester Vol. 18, Iss. 8 ,   (Aug 2005): 480-482. U. Baran Metin, Maria C. W. Peeters & Toon W. Taris (2018) Correlates of procrastination and performance at work: The role of having “good fit”, Journal of Prevention & Intervention in the Community, 46:3, 228-244,  Rethinking Procrastination: Positive Effects of "Active" Procrastination Behavior on Attitudes and Performance Angela Hsin Chun Chu; Jin Nam Choi.The Journal of Social Psychology; Philadelphia Vol. 145, Iss. 3,  (Jun 2005): 245-64. https://twitter.com/AdamMGrant/status/1110171624769290240 https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/smarter-living/why-you-procrastinate-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-self-control.html https://theartofcharm.com/podcast-episodes/the-art-of-overcoming-procrastination-with-adam-grant/ Sirois, F. and Pychyl, T. (2013) Procrastination and the Priority of Short-Term Mood Regulation: Consequences for Future Self. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7 (2). 115 - 127. ISSN 1751-9004 https://www.fastcompany.com/3026895/self-imposed-deadlines-dont-stop-procrastination-heres-what-might http://www.balkincoaching.com.au/post/i-wasn-t-going-to-blog-today-but-i-m-worried-about-the-stigma-around-mental-illness-at-work http://www.balkincoaching.com.au/post/r-u-ok-how-do-you-actually-talk-about-mental-health-in-life-and-work

Regular readers will be aware that one of the key elements of wellbeing is authentic relationships. To be really beneficial to our social contact needs to be varied, interesting, and meaningful. This week I was chatting to a client who has just started a new job as a CFO about the importance of forming strong connections with the people within his peer group, team and the broader organisation. The conversation reminded me of a study undertaken at the University of Kansas which, measured  at how many hours it takes to make a friend. Here are some of the interesting findings: it takes about 50 hours of socializing to go from acquaintance to casual friend, an additional 40 hours to become a “real” friend, and a total of 200 hours to become a close friend. The researchers found, not surprisingly that good relationships require: Understanding - I understand what is important to you Validation – I respect you and what you want Caring - I take active steps to help you meet your needs.  But it wasn’t just about the time spent together, “The quality of our conversations determines the quality of our relationships … Dr Sean O’Connor The researchers found that time together didn’t automatically make two people friends. Some adults reported spending hundreds of hours with colleagues, but still called those people acquaintances. Basically, they just didn’t like them very much. Or they had no relationship outside of work. This takes us to an important point. How people spent their time and what they talked about affected how close they became. “When you spend time joking around, having meaningful conversations, catching up with one another, all of these types of communication episodes contribute to speedier friendship development,” Hall says. As an example, he describes the common situation in which two casual friends bump into each other, and one asks the other: "What’s been going on in your life?" “That action is meaningful because it says that whatever is happening in your life I want to bring into the present in my relationship with you,” says Hall. “Consider how many people you don’t bother to ask. You wander into the office and you say, hey. That’s it.” But hang on.. we are social distancing… How do we keep our social connections strong deep and varied when our worlds are becoming smaller? Let's start with you and your team:  1. I'm sure you are all holding regular group and individual catch ups with three aims: information social interaction wellbeing check 2. Try an encourage a visual medium for connection. Remind you staff as I have been telling all my clients, children walking behind them or babies crying, means they are being good citizen and social distancing so it’s positive. 3. Provide more recognition, praise and encouragement than usual, celebrate all success and positivity. A few things to think about with meetings:   (beyond the tips in my previous blog ) Make them regular Set up some rules ie everyone on video Take time to check in with everyone Only tackle one or two challenges per meeting Be very thoughtful about when you raise issues and how you talk them through Over time people will develop the muscle of remote work Other ways to connect beyond formal meetings: Chatter: Fun apps like https://discordapp.com enable a chat like you may have in the office. Do fun things together : eg virtual Friday drinks, relaxed team lunches once a week, remind them to keep up the informal work groups they are currently part of just hold them virtually. Some special groups to keep an eye on and make extra contact. 1. The middle managers:   They  are  always the “meat in the sandwich” and more so under these conditions, keep an eye out for them and pay them extra attention. 2. The people who have to go in to work: There are a few critical roles that fit into the government guidelines that need to go into the office. Firstly, check if people really need to go in and how safely they are going in. I have a client who went remote early on because of the risks on public transport. Once you are certain that some people do have to go into the office, then remember. They will feel lost, they need contact and communication- they may be more anxious as they need to be at risk and everyone else is safe at home with their families. Try to not  allow sub groups to grow too much,  you need to make a psychological oneness amongst the group.  Those who are home need to make contact with those who aren’t and thank them.  3. The customer external stakeholders etc: Don’t forget them, make coffee catch ups as usual. Relationships beyond work:  1. Your significant other/ partner spouse etc: The “date night” is more important now than at any other time. Yes you will have to be a bit creative, but chances are you share your life with someone whom means a lot to you, with whom you share many interests, not just binging on Netflix 2. Friends and family: don’t forget to make virtual coffees and lunch arrangements during work time. You used to take a lunch break when you were in the office so don’t forget to sit away from your desk, call or face time a friend and ‘meet’ them for lunch. (Re read my blog if you need a reminder on the importance of lunch) Use some of your ‘spare’ time in this quieter period to reconnect with the key people in your life. In many ways it’s an ideal time to invest in your personal relationships.  3. Your tribes: Remember all the the groups you are normally  a part of  keep them going via video calls but ensure that the chats are mostly on topic, so if you are in a book club, maybe meet more often and discuss your books not corona. If your soccer team doing  on line training  allow time at the end for chatting like you would normally. So, what is the plan for my client? He is setting up virtual coffees and lunches with people within his organisation, and with key stakeholders. Whilst he is not going to interrogate anyone, he will leverage off his strong emotional intelligence skills to find out the following types of things about everyone he chats to: Their purpose in work and life What excites them about their job/ and the firm? He may also use the following questions as prompts: What matters to you? What is the best thing that has happened to you in the last two years? What is something you have wanted to do for a long time and why haven’t you done it Finally, he is mindful that in times of stress, most people don’t process information as effectively, so he shall be careful keep his communications simple, clear and thoughtful. Remember not to let the physical aspects of social distancing stop you from nurturing all your important relationships. References: Hall J.A. (2018) How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 36 ( 4,) 1278-1296 https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/kidsfamilies/youth/Documents/forum-speaker-presentations/2016/occonor-intro%20-positive-psycholgy-march-2016.pdf https://www.glwswellbeing.com/

Photo by  Rohan Makhecha  on  Unsplash "No one's far from anyone anymore" OTC Australia 1988 TV Commercial dialling overseas from Australia (click here for the commercial  https://youtu.be/orySdjb95_M ) I have a client who has been working in overseas to help grow an newly established organisation. He is highly passionate about what they do and was settling into life in a new country.  His long term  career goals are realistic and ambitious, and he has a strong realistic sense of achievement. However, there are aspects of his boss’s leadership style that are left wanting.   When I caught up with him last week, just before he was returning home to Sydney to work remotely, he said to me “Tamar how long do I have to put up with this hopeless behaviour from my boss? There’s only so much managing up I can do”. Whenever there is change, be it within our business unit, our organisation, or our economy we feel a loss of control.   Good emotional regulation, enables you to have a clear head identify what is  within your sphere of influence, then you can think creatively about many options  and to make sensible decisions. So before you read on I encourage you to:  Write down your emotions (see my previous blog for the best method)  Choose a quick relaxation technique to ensure you feel centred (see my resources page for tips) Now it’s time to brainstorm alone and then with your team what you can and can not control. So what about my client, who by the way is in the middle of his 14 day home quarantine in Sydney, with a few of his  siblings who have also been working overseas. Some of the things he recognised he can’t control the following about her boss: Her  poor communication skills Her view of  work as a career, not a calling .  When she replies to her emails When she writes the strategic plan for 2020 Her acceptance of the current state of the world Here are some of the things cleint recognised he can control  about his life and work: His impeccable  manners  (see my blog on manners for tips) His relationships with key external stakeholders The morale and connectivity of his volunteers His passion for her work His long term career goals and how he is working towards them His relationship with the CEO. His wellbeing Reconnecting with his local professional and personal connections His daily and weekly  focus  (see my blog on productivity  for tips) His daily routine His boundaries between work and life (see my blog on boundaries for tips) Remember that there are always many aspects of life and work that we can all control. Varied social contact is a key element of wellbeing and so I want to remind you all that we have complete control of our ability to pick up the phone call or FaceTime someone.  Finally, if you need a little laugh, or some prompting, click the links and enjoy these fun Australian commercials from the 1980s encouraging us to call overseas. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orySdjb95_M https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ju4c6iAnQNs Irrespective of the changes that may happen to the way we all work over the coming months, leadership capability and wellbeing remains critical therefore  I shall continue to blog on relevant topics.  Please do not hesitate to email  suggestions and requests.  References:  available on request https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/career-transitions/201206/job-career-calling-key-happiness-and-meaning-work

“To let go does not mean to get rid of. To let go means to let be. When we let be with compassion, things come and go on their own.” Jack Kornfield A new client contacted me for coaching because she has too much on her plate and is acutely aware of the need to let go of some things in her personal and work life.  During the first coaching session we discussed her current role in a high level of detail. As we broke her job down into all its components, she rated her level of satisfaction (flow) with each component and noted the discrepancy between the time she spends on each compared to the time she should be spending. Regular readers know that wellbeing is a seesaw where we strike a balance between our demands and resources. Irrespective of how much effort we put into growing our resources, if we don’t let go of some of our ‘responsibilities’ or ‘demands’ then high wellbeing is rather impossible.   What can we let go of? Specific responsibilities at work and in life An unrealistic idea of our abilities Personal insecurities Petty politics Unnecessary secrets Grudges we have about others Cognitive biases and assumptions Outdated and ineffective work practices Excessive financial pressure Jobs that we dislike Toxic relationships Perfection Unimportant non urgent tasks Things we can not control How do we decide what to let go of? As a starting point answering the following questions will help: Does this align with my values  ? Am I honesty the best person for this job? Does this need to be done? Is the endeavour adding value or not?  Does it help or hinder you achieving your goals? What will happen if I stop doing this? Am I convincing a person to do a job they dislike? Can anyone else step in if necessary? Am I inhibiting someone else’s growth? Is this actually necessary or has it become a habit? Am I really any good at this? How motivated am I? What exactly am I choosing to ‘let go of’? (specificity is critical) How can I start to trust?  Can I really control this? How do we do it? Firstly, let me acknowledge letting go is easier said than done. Clients will often tell me that it takes too long to teach someone how to do something, or that if they ‘let go’ something disastrous will occur. If these fears are valid, I challenge my clients to think about whether the comments are excuses or valid reasons. But life consequences aren’t the only reasons we don’t let go… Often it may be pride, habit, or fear of the unknown that is stopping us from letting go. Sometimes we are committed to a large project because a lot of time, resources and funds have been spent, not because it is actually effective. I had a client sheepishly tell me that if she didn’t do a particular task, she was afraid of being bored. As coaching progressed the client acknowledged that she was keeping herself busy in order to avoid a critical yet complex project. This project, she felt, would ‘make or break her career’ and thus her fear of failure was paralysing her. As my colleague aptly reminded me, letting go does not equate to giving up.  It’s about making sensible choices to encourage and enhance wellbeing in ourselves and others. “A real winner knows when to quit and when to grit.”   Susan David So what about my client? At the beginning of her second coaching session last week she proudly told me that she had delegated a massive task to 36 people in her organisation, not only had they all happily taken on the extra work, they had completed it accurately, on time and with little input from her. For her letting go was about TRUST. She needed to have faith that her team knew what to do and would contact her if they didn't.  Whilst the inspiration for this blog came from a client, it is also a reflection on matters close to home. This week as I farewelled my eldest child who has gone to live overseas permanently, I have personally “let go” to enable her to “leave the nest and spread her wings” as an independent adult. Irrespective of the changes that may happen to the way we all work over the coming months, leadership capability and wellbeing remains critical therefore  I shall continue to blog on relevant topics.  Please do not hesitate to email  suggestions and requests. References: more are available on request Photo by  Rod Long  on  Unsplash https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/when-grit-quit-susan-a-david-ph-d-/ https://qz.com/931394/knowing-when-to-quit-is-as-important-as-having-grit/ How and when does grit influence leaders’ behaviour? Caza, Arran ;  Posner, Barry Z . Leadership & Organization Development Journal ; Bradford  Vol. 41, Iss. 1,   (2019): 124-134. DOI:10.1108/LODJ-06-2018-0209 https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2018/01/25/having-a-hard-time-letting-go-of-a-project-here-are-13-useful-tips/#9281a68606a4 https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/your-emotional-meter/201708/important-tips-how-let-go-and-free-yourself

"It’s a relief to be called out on your contradictions ... Once they have air we can change ..." Lori Gotleib Click on the picture to watch my THREE minute Vlog, and learn how my client is using discomfort to improve his performance. When an external person holds a mirror up to our problematic behaviour it often highlights our inconsistencies, and this causes much discomfort. Cognitive dissonance is the term coined by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954 to describe “the feeling of psychological discomfort produced by the combined presence of two thoughts that do not follow from one another.” (Harmon-Jones & Mills, 1999). The research suggests that people have an inner motivation to keep their thoughts consistent, and thus they may engage in problematic behaviour like lying to themselves or others. In extreme situations the internal discomfort may manifest in the inappropriate expression of strong negative emotions, like the times when my client shouts. Therefore, often if we don’t address our contradictions, in a safe and honest way, they will haunt us. On a positive note, in my coaching work I often teach my clients how to use their discomfort to drive long term positive behaviour change and become better leaders. References: more are available on request https://psychcentral.com/blog/fighting-cognitive-dissonance-the-lies-we-tell-ourselves/ The psychology podcast: 184 Maybe you should talk to someone. https://scottbarrykaufman.com/podcast/maybe-you-should-talk-to-someone-with-lori-gottlieb/ Dissonance reduction as emotion regulation: Attitude change is related to positive emotions in the induced compliance paradigm Cancino Montecinos, Sebastian; Fredrik Björklund; Lindholm ,  Torun.  PLoS One; San Francisco  Vol. 13, Iss. 12,  (Dec 2018): e0209012. DOI:10.1371/journal.pone.0209012

My photo of  Mandalay Beach WA , in the middle of the D’Entrecasteaux National Park  Where the only company are a few quiet Kangaroos. This week I was privileged to have a short swim at the beach before work. The water temperature this time of year in Sydney is magnificent, the tourists are, gone the beach is quiet and I had the opportunity to just float on my back and enjoy the silence and the sea. As I emerged refreshed from my swim I was reminded of the benefits of silence both for ourselves and our interactions with others. Silence is a micro-skill that can elevate a leader from good to great. Active listening is a fundamental skill for psychologists irrespective of the speciality that we choose and thus it is a component of many undergraduate degrees. I was fortunate to have an engaging lecturer who believed in experiential education and thus our classes had a large practical component. To this day I can recall how she demonstrated the power of appropriate attentive body language in conveying focused concentration when interviewing someone. She literally turned to look out the window  while a  student was in the middle of explaining a deeply sensitive matter. Naturally once the student noticed her lack of concentration he just stopped talking. Interestingly, once the lecturer regained eye contact and simply nodded at the student he carried on with his description. What she was teaching us was the power of silence, for her silence enabled the student to formulate his ideas and thoughts. She was also demonstrating the vast amounts of information conveyed by non-verbal cues. As you begin to pay attention to silence you may notice that many people break eye contact to think and then resume it when they are ready to speak. In a leadership context silence can be extremely is useful in the following situations: Providing feedback Performance management  Brainstorming  Problem solving  When you are ‘lost for words’ Resolve differences Need to properly understand someone else’s point of view "Supportive silence at the right time may be your most powerful and useful form of attending behaviour. Silence may say more than words, in the most important moments." Ivey I am well aware that it takes a lot of patience, practice, and conscious awareness to not ‘break the silence’ in a serious conversation.  In fact, we can feel more comfortable and safer if we keep talking as it feels very risky to leave our words hanging without further explanation or defence. It’s important to keep in mind that silence can be misused, some people use it to express anger; others to hurt or punish others.   Silence improves our wellbeing:  While giving a client feedback on his GLWS I asked him what he would like to be doing “when his energy is failing, and he needs to make time to rest relax and recover”? He explained that he needs to be doing more of the following: Going for an hour walk alone in the fresh air after dinner Lying on the couch listening to music, not watching TV What are the benefits of silence? "One of my colleagues calls the internet the most effective short-term non-prescriptive pain killer’ Addiction is a way to numb our feelings.. That’s what the internet does for us. ‘Oh I’m having a feeling let’s see what’s on Twitter Oh I’m having a feeling let me just scroll through my phone’" Lori Gottlieb and  Scott Barry Kaufman It seems that people are becoming reluctant to let an emotion positive or negative rise to the surface and be experienced. I often need to encourage my clients when they are describing an achievement to pause and actually let the pride and joy bubble up and it is extremely rewarding to watch the smile emerge on their faces.   What is even more challenging is for us all to realise that we need to pause in our lives and introduce some silence to allow ourselves to actually feel emotions and think about the world. If that’s too ‘new age’ for you here are some physical benefits of silence: Improved mental health. Lower blood pressure, which can help prevent heart attack. Boost the body’s immune system. Benefit brain chemistry by growing new cells Decrease stress by lowering blood cortisol levels and adrenaline. Promote good hormone regulation and the interaction of bodily hormone-related systems. Prevent plaque formation in arteries. Improve sleep quality Improved creativity – When allowing thoughts to go where they will, inspiration may bubble up. Solutions to current or long-standing problems may suddenly occur to you, or a work-around or innovative approach may seem more feasible. Ideas for going in a different direction could coalesce, helping build momentum and excitement for spinning them off into yet other potential avenues to pursue. How can you insert some silence into your life? Turn your phone onto silent for a few minutes Resist the temptation to schedule every minute of your day. When you have an unexpected break don’t always fill it with noise and tasks Make time to just sit and experience emotions Make time to just look at what is around you  Leave your desk and walk around the block Float in a bath or the ocean. If complete silence is too intense then find the type of music that allows your mind to be free. Then enjoy the serenity and let your thoughts and feelings wash over you. To watch my favourite lines about serenity from the movie "The Castle" Click  here  https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/news/video-1506783/How-s-serenity-Classic-moments-Bonnie-Doon-Castle.htm

Photo by  Evgeni Tcherkasski  on  Unsplash I have two new clients in very different industries who have both requested coaching because they do not want 2020 to be as overwhelming as 2019. Interestingly they are both in careers that they enjoy and roles where they find purpose and meaning and challenge, however they have both recognised their wellbeing is sub optimal and they will need to change things in their life and work. Despite the fact that values have a really bad wrap, especially in the corporate world, Ross McIntosh in his interviews with both Dayna Lee- Baggley   and Richard McKinnon  reminded me of the critical role they play in our wellbeing.  People are more likely to experience positive well-being when they can express and fulfil their values and thus attain their goals. When the situational context blocks people's realisation of their values, they are likely to experience negative well-being. Interestingly when there is a match between people's values and their environment promotes well-being regardless of the particular values to which people ascribe importance. Values can help in the following contexts: Enable us in a pressured or conflicting situation to pause and think about “When am I at my best what would I do?” In a pressured situation they can give us perspective: remind oneself about what matters in life, ie arriving safely will trump speeding and shouting at other drivers. In a forced choice situation, they guide decision making  In our interpersonal interactions especially at work they explain our discomfort with the behaviour of others. In our careers and the management of the careers of others, values clarity can enhance job satisfaction and performance But how do we know what our values are? A good place to start is to simply pause to think about what matters to you, think about whether  are you spending your life doing the things you most value? There is a multitude of models and assessments of values varying in their focus and level of sophistication. (Madhuleena Roy Chowdhury has reviewed many of the values assessments in the marketplace, and like any good psychologists she lets the reader decide what is best for them.   https://positivepsychology.com/values-questionnaire ). Simple tools like the life web or a leisure values checklist (on the resources page of my website) can provide some broad overview for direction. However, I find with my clients it is often useful to use the Hogan Motives, Values, Preferences Inventory (MVPI) to look at values from a deeper level as they pertain to the workplace context. In addition, the Meaning Purpose and Direction section of the GLWS will link the values to current wellbeing behaviours. But what about the workplace, and those lovely signs on walls and words on web pages? Regular readers would be aware that if an organisation plays lip service to something, the employees, customers and other stakeholders notice immediately. Thus, readers who are in senior executive positions have a responsibility to ensure that the culture and their behaviour and that of others is aligned with the workplace values. As a leader, you need: Awareness of your own values and how you want them to manifest in life and work. Knowledge of the values of your each of your direct reports and how you can help them to translate them into action. Remember that your values are like a map, the clearer the markings, the more useful they are in complex situations. _________________ References: more are available on request Hogan Assessments - Manual and assessment tool GLWS - Manual and assessment tool L Sagiv ,  SH Schwartz  – (2000) Value priorities and subjective well‐being: Direct relations and congruity effects . European Journal of Social Psychology. 30, 177-198 (2000) My Pocket Psych: The Psychology of the Workplace: 053: PsychFlex in Action 1: Values into Action with Ross McIntosh http://mypocketpsych.libsyn.com/ep-053-psychflex-in-action-1-values-in-action-with-ross-mcintosh Dr Dayna Lee-Baggley : Healthy Habits Suck People Soup - psychology@work https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-dayna-lee-baggley-healthy-habits-suck/id1366855217?i=1000461304549 Madhuleena Roy Chowdhury has reviewed many of the values assessments in the marketplace, and like any good psychologists she lets the reader decide what is best for them.   https://positivepsychology.com/values-questionnaire/

Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash “So don't go breaking my heart I won't go breaking your heart Don't go breaking my heart" Elton John (click here for the song) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0qW9P-uYfM It's Valentine’s day today, and I have been contemplating all week so should I be writing about how to find the perfect business partner, or how to notice when things are going awry in a partnership and what to do about it. Whilst listening to Daniel Kahneman’s seminal book Thinking Fast and Slow, I made my decision. In the introduction to the book he described his research and business partnership with Amos Tverski with such honestly, fondness and joy that I felt unable to write about how to form such a partnership. “The Kahneman and Tversky partnership was extraordinary in terms of its scientific impact—they are the Lennon and McCartney of social science—and even now, when joint work is increasingly common in academia, enduring teams like theirs are extremely rare.” I am also well aware that clients and HR managers typically contact me when things are going wrong and they want to avoid the mediators, financiers and or lawyers becoming involved. When any business partnership starts to go awry there are multiple effected parties: The investor: who sees businesses from the outside and has influence The partner: who is in the middle of the relationship The employee: who is watching from “below” The clients or customers : who are viewing from the outside. The best friend, or relative: who is watching from the outside. Despite your perspective it is likely that you have a vested interest in the success of the business partnership, even if it is purely financial. The common questions I am asked include: What went wrong? What are the warning signs? What if anything can I do to help? So, what can go wrong? Small Irritations That Accumulate Over Time When these upsetting behaviours hit a critical mass, the other partner may be unable to tolerate them anymore. Evidence of Unacceptable Behaviours That Were Not Revealed at the Beginning. Eg: Large debts that must be eventually paid out of mutual resources; Past affiliations with less-than-desirable characters who might crop up again. The Emergence of Mutually Exclusive Important Needs Diminishing Illusions: Eg: A person who is especially careful about not overspending can, over time, appear stingy and cheap Power Struggles: If power struggles persist, then there’s a shift from being a team to adversaries on opposite sides of the playing field. Too soon, each partner will try to save themselves at the expense of the other’s needs. Becoming superficial: Fearful of scarring the relationship both parties stay with comfortable and non-threatening words and behaviours, either turning to others to have the “difficult conversations” or avoiding them altogether. Boredom: Either with their role in the business, or a lack of independent growth. Remember many entrepreneurs thrive on variety and challenge, however not only are aspects of work routine, but also variability and inspiration does not always come from external event, sometimes one needs to source it for oneself. Escalating Misunderstandings and Misassumptions: Familiarity may lead to the assumption that one knows everything about the other person and therefore often the basic skill of listening carefully without jumping to conclusions, is forgotten. External Stressors: are and inevitable part of life and work. If partners cannot triumph over them, alone and together they will and begin to find fault with each other’s reactions and responses. This in turn erodes trust and mutual problem solving. What are the warning signs? Typically you will notice a change in behaviour for example: Negative interpersonal behaviour like incivility, shouting etc Decrease in patience, increases in hostility, and frustration. Weight gain or loss Withdrawal either physically, intellectually or emotionally. Stagnation: On the surface, the partnership may seem a magically compatible, quietly successful union, but the lack of excitement and energy observed can be a powerful warning sign that there is trouble brewing. The partners within it may have become robotic and predictable creatures who soon learn each other’s every phrase, action, and thought. They no longer need to pay much attention to know what is going on. There are no surprises, no challenges, and no growth. Positive emotions: especially when they seem at odds with the current status of the business or with the typical emotional level of the individual. What can you do? Decide if you wish to repair or exit gracefully- it is recommended to discuss this with those you trust who are external to the situation and have no biases. (see my blog on decision making ) If you want to repair the partnership determine your timeframe of tolerance for change and what repair will look like for you. Take a look in the mirror: ie Look at yourself first: We have much greater control over our own behaviour than that of others. Do not ruminate but use your self awareness and feedback from others to ascertain where your behaviour has been falling short and take steps to rectify what you can. Make time to meet your colleague partner boss etc and have the “difficult conversation” Don’t jump to any conclusions and have an open conversation. This is obviously easier said than done, but if you want to avoid escalation or souring of your relationship then it is best to do the following preparation: Get into the right Mindset: Remember you have a hunch and a vested interest in the success of this partnership. So it is critical that you take the advice of Celeste Headley and suspend judgement, and simply be curious. Acknowledge that this is difficult to do when you are emotionally invested in the business and if you need to, seek help from a trusted adviser to prepare. Remind yourself that you care about them and the business and that is why you are having the conversation ie the vision and purpose. Don’t expect them to react well or to tell you that they are taking action, the aim initially is to share your concerns and allow them time and space to think about what you have said. Nothing more.. Most importantly be polite. Context: find a good location and ensure you both have the time, and privacy to talk openly. Remember complex conversations are best done when one is refreshed and not hungry. Content: If appropriate explain what you have already started to do differently and why. Then simply just describe the change in behaviours that you have noticed then be silent and allow them to explain. Do not be defensive or judgemental about their answers. Together plan the next steps. Then go back, think about what else you can do and have another conversation (ie repeat step 2 and 3) Remember as I articulated, in last week’s blog , don’t be afraid to ask for help, you are definitely not the first or last person to be in this predicament. _______________________________________________________________________ References: more are available on request https://www.google.com/search?q=don't+go+breaking+my+heart+lyrics&rlz=1C5CHFA_enAU860AU860&oq=doint+go&aqs=chrome.3.69i57j0l7.2871j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 THE TWO FRIENDS WHO CHANGED HOW WE THINK ABOUT HOW WE THINK By Cass R. Sunstein and Richard Thaler The New Yorker, December 7, 2016 https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/the-two-friends-who-changed-how-we-think-about-how-we-think https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/9-key-things-successful-business-partners-always-do.html https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go Recruitment and selection overview: https://www.cipd.co.uk/Images/a-head-for-hiring_2015-behavioural-science-of-recruitment-and-selection_tcm18-9557.pdf ) https://smartworkplaces.org.au/smartworkplaces/portals/0/reports/4/1_Australian%20recruitment%20practices%20report.pdf